The Yoga of Psychological Limits

I’ve been thinking about limits lately. When we stretch in yoga, we feel our physical limits. When we attempt to grow and change our brains, we feel our psychological limits, and this can feel frustrating, but also inspiring. And finally, when we interact with others, we must decide how to approach their limits, as well as our own.

Limits in interpersonal relationships often take the form of boundaries, such as one’s boundaries around being touched, or flirted with, or topics that they wish not to discuss. Some people who have been abused may have triggers around things like sudden gestures or loud words, and these become boundaries when we ask others not to do those things near us. We all know it is polite to honor other people’s boundaries. Yet some of us, particularly those with an awareness of the potential for growth (and perhaps, a need to see this growth in others), find it difficult to refrain from challenging and testing others’ limits.
The purpose of a relationship (be it romantic, therapeutic, or friendship) is twofold: to support, and to challenge. Some people outright ask for challenge; they say, “if you see me doing such and such, I want you to TELL ME and I’ll fix it.” But there are others who ask for support by not being challenged; in other words, by respecting their limits. This can come by way of their avoidance of challenging topics, preference for light-hearted conversations, or cringing or even snapping back in response to challenge. Though it would be easy to tell ourselves that this person has “issues”, especially if we feel rejected by their response, we can also choose to cultivate respect around their limits. We never know what kind of pain this brings up for them. And while it is true that diving into pain can bring healing, it is also true that overwhelming ourselves with pain can cause our minds to ricochet back into self-protection, which is not an easy stance from which to grow.
When we honor our own limits in yoga, we give our muscles the chance to experience the delicate tension between shortening and lengthening. Eventually they will decide which way they want to go that day. It’s that simple; we have not much control over it. But eventually we hope our muscles will open, and usually they do. It’s the same with honoring the boundaries and limits of those we care about. Deep down, perhaps several layers down, everyone has a need to grow and expand. By honoring their limits, we give them the opportunity to choose when growth is right for them, just the way we do for our muscles in yoga. In this way we trust the part of them that seeks growth and expansion, whether or not we are fully ready to believe it is there. We are also willing to trust that person’s wisdom about what just isn’t right for them. Focusing on our own growth is, of course, helpful in this regard. Through honoring limits in yoga and life, we have an opportunity to develop compassion for others’ struggles, and our own.

Yoga: a quiet revolution

The other day, resting in child's pose after a busy week of meeting deadlines for paperwork, I had a memory of when I first started teaching people to listen to themselves. As a 26-year-old beginners' yoga teacher, I felt quite surprised that women in their 50's looked to me for a certain kind of authority. I took me awhile to figure out what it was - then I realized, they needed me to tell them two things: 1, to relax, or 2, to listen to their inner wisdom. They actually did not know how to do these things, or had forgotten.

It stunned me at the time, because I had never thought of these as valuable skills, or skills at all. But to these women - most of whom worked in higher education or administrative work - Monday night yoga was a precious time when they could "just let everything go". The rest of the time, they were meeting deadlines, fitting in, or simply performing. We all live in a culture where we're supposed to be told what to do - starting in elementary school, and into adulthood. These women viewed me as an authority figure, but I refused to be that. I knew I could teach them more by showing them how to teach themselves, even if that meant they might not need me anymore.

I love this about yoga. That when we do child's pose, we are actually subverting the dominant paradigm - when we put our heads to the earth and listen to our own heartbeat, we are overturning the teacher's authority in exchange for our own. In daily life, this can lead to subversive acts like... smiling at coworkers, breathing deeply at the desk, or no longer stealing paperclips because of a belief in asteya. It can lead to putting one's own well-being and sense of alive-ness over things like work and keeping up appearances - honoring the self as the core of all we do. 

Here's to yoga revolution - from the inside out!

Healthy Activities for the Heart Chakra

I've been wanting to post some of the chakra healing tips I compiled for Chakra Yoga last year. And since it happens to be Valentine's Day, I thought I'd focus on the heart!

When I teach Chakra Yoga classes, I always have fun with this one because the heart is just a huge part of our daily existence, and plays an important role in the chakra system as well.. Basically, it's the connection between the lower chakras and the upper chakras, the place where self-interest meets the more transcendent aspects of equanimity, compassion, insight, vision, and one-ness. Until the lower chakra's needs are met, it is difficult to open the heart. But when the heart is open, it feeds the entire system.

• Backbends! Oooh yeah, a little Camel, or Reclining Butterfly, and you'll be bathing in heart prana.
• Triangle Pose - although it engages the whole body, Triangle relies on having an open chest, and gives you the feeling of radiating outward from your heart. If you feel like taking your stability up to the next level, float on up to balancing Half Moon, with the shoulders relaxed.
• Selfless giving to others.
• Receiving without guilt
• Honest communication
• Delicious food, candles and soft music relax the brain, opening you up for connection.
• Self-appreciation. Thank yourself for something you've done today. 
• Express appreciation to loved ones; skip the complaints. 

Other therapeutic things

• Spices: cinnamon
• Essential oils: Rose, jasmine. 
• Metta meditation or gratitude practice.

Life is more colorful, soft, and energized when the heart is open. Wishing you a beautiful Valentine's Day!

Bessel van der Kolk is my hero - and yoga is my medicine

For all my therapy geek friends (you know who you are): have you heard of Bessel van der Kolk, a Dutch psychiatrist who's doing research on things like yoga and EMDR? If not, go look him up. You won't be disappointed.

I spend 8 hours on Tuesday with Dr. van der Kolk in a live webcast from Hawaii. The topic was "Trauma, Attachment and Neuroscience." Sounds interesting, huh? Basically, the seminar delved into how trauma  re-wires the brain and the way we relate to the world. It's not so much that trauma leaves an imprint of a certain memory in our minds; rather, it makes us less able to live happily in the present. It does this by changing our brain: everything from the brain stem (breathing, sleeping, eating), to the thalamus (interpretations of the body), amygdala (emotional arousal and motivation), and frontal cortex (thinking). Dr. van der Kolk explained that trauma treatment must ALWAYS address the body, because the lower brain and limbic system are ALWAYS affected. Too often, "Western European" therapies focuses only on the frontal cortex (ahem, "cognitive therapy"), and ignore the body. (Dr. van der Kolk made no effort to conceal his frustration that body therapies are not acknowledged for their mental health benefits.)

Dr. van der Kolk conducts research at the Trauma Center at JRI in Massachusetts. He's gotten good results wth using yoga, EMDR, and other body-based therapies, because these treatments teach people how to self-regulate, and promote integration of the upper and lower brain. He also recommends drama therapy, t'ai chi, drum circles, and anything that involves a rhythmic interaction between people. One of my favorite clips was of a 10-year-old boy who was throwing a ball around with an occupational therapist. His mother arrived, and started chatting about her own problems. The boy threw her the ball; she caught it, threw it back, but COMPLETELY missed the boy. This happened 3 or 4 times; each time she threw the ball to the same place, and each time it missed the boy's waiting arms. Suddenly he yelled, "STOP THROWING IT OVER THERE!" As the OT helped the mother and boy play catch with each other, Dr. van der Kolk explained how being "in tune" with people is one of the most basic joys of life, since we are hardwired for social interaction. This demonstration showed how a simple activity like playing catch could make a family feel cohesive again. Just imagine how doing yoga, dance, or making music together can help you feel more "in sync" with humanity!

Among other things, this seminar powerfully confirmed the effect of yoga on the brain. Since I re-started my daily yoga practice (only 4 weeks ago), I've noticed changes in how I perceive things. The other day I was napping on the couch, and suddenly I felt viscerally connected to the colors and shapes around me; I was transported back to a summer's day when I was very young, and the green grass and the taste of lemonade were fresh and new to my senses. I find it easier to relax, even when I don't feel well. I went to a meeting at my church, and noticed I was able to take in every detail of the conversation effortlessly. The next day, the committee chair asked me to proofread the minutes; I thought, wow, that's never happened! And last but not least, I laugh more. Something about yoga is helping me connect with my environment. I'm just waiting to see how this body-centered, mindfulness practice will continue to transform the way I live, breathe, and think. Do you have a story about how mindfulness practice has changed your life?

Reasons to avoid yoga today

1) I'd rather eat chocolate and watch The Princess Bride (/insert favorite movie_____) for the 1000th time.

2) I don't want to transcend my feelings, or undergo brain re-writes. I just wanna be.

3) My body hurts, and I don't feel like dealing with that, so I'm gonna lay around instead.

4) I don't feel like thinking about my alignment or core stability today. Maybe I'll dance instead.

5) I found this really good book (relationship/hobby/pursuit). I'ma do that instead.

I've been doing yoga for 10 years, and discipline has been my #1 obstacle. In fact, I'm sure I have more reasons not to, than reasons to do yoga. The reasons are simple: clarity, peace, strength, compassion. If you want these, do yoga. But there are a million reasons why you might not want these, not today, not right now. Your brain is capable of infinite excuses, oh yes, quite capable.

But are they excuses? Is it really "bad" to not do yoga every single day? It's a tricky question. In the last 4 weeks, I've done yoga every single day. It's not the first time I've had a disciplined streak, and I can't say how long it'll last. Growth happens in cycles, not lines, after all. Although I'm reaping the mental and physical benefits of my practice now, I think in some way the undisciplined times are important too.

When I think about change from the brain's perspective - the webs of neural synapses, the interaction between the amygdala and the cortex, all these biological aspects of self - I think, wow, of course it takes time. It doesn't happen overnight, and I also wonder which levels of my brain are talking to each other, how. For example, does my amygdala somehow say, "hey, smarty-pants, slow down, I've got stuff to process up in here"? When we "release emotions", it is important to respect that they don't always get processed on same-day express. Sometimes a break is needed, lest you become so sick of it that you give up entirely. If facing the mat, or meditation, or whatever you practice, seems like an insurmountable feat, try following your instincts. Maybe craving chocolate is your brain's way of pacing your race toward change. Maybe there is no "right" pace. 

Conversation with a friend

I said, what sort of path is that to walk, up there?

Don’t you think it limits your vision, seeing only what you see, walking only how you go?

You said: what sort of way is that you walk? Don’t you know what I know?

Of course, friend – you don’t think so? Here’s a mere sprinkling of my vast knowledge...

If you did, you would understand me.

You think I know nothing. How wrong you are.

Let me try again.

I think I know what you know. But perhaps I am mistaken. Would you teach me?

Perhaps. Other people walk my way too. And I can tell the ones who don’t understand.   

I said, I’m from barren lands that made me old before my time. I had to learn to be young again. To speak in the voice of my body, my heart. I fear those who do not know my language. I fear the barren paths of abstention. I fear the loneliness of those who hold themselves apart.  

I want very much to be alive, and also wise.

I want the same, my friend. I can see those barren lands, and their desolation. I see how they lie close to overgrowth and poor attention. I only seek to clear the weeds. These weeds grow relentlessly, and it takes a sharp eye to discern.

I’ve heard of this, I said, this path. It’s just… I fear for you. That you’ll forget to take care of the good garden, while you’re clearing away what you think is overgrowth.

But I must eat as well, you said. And I do. I fear for those who take in whatever they see, without discernment.

I see the garden, and the junkyard, and the wasteland. I also see the sky, where you take refuge. You long to see clearly, I understand this. But I choose to stay in the garden, to make sure what we do and how we love becomes wholesome.

It’s good we each have own way. I can see you now, you know. We’re actually not so far apart.  

I know. I see you too.