How Mindful Relationships Change your Brain (no, really)

So I must be somewhat of a left-brained person, because whenever I learn a cool fact about neurobiology, it excites me like nothing else. So it was, in was reading The Mindful Therapist (2010) by Dan Siegel, leading expert in interpersonal neurobiology, that I came across his idea that certain types of social interaction have the power to transform our brains.

In the book, Siegel says that interacting with another person in a mindful state, such as counseling, can fast-track the growth of new neural pathways in the brain. From the counseling perspective, this is good news, since it means that engaging in a relationship with a non-judgmental, mindful therapist boosts your potential for brain change, or neuroplasticity, which we now know occurs throughout the life span. This means that whatever process of change you're working on, having a mindful therapist can be a big help. I can only imagine this would apply to a mindful yoga teacher or spiritual guide, as well.

I also like to think about the big-picture perspective - does this apply to all relationships? For the last 10 years, I've surrounded myself with healthy people, hoping this would support me in developing health and well-being in my own life. But I never thought that interacting with my friends in a mindful way - such as through highly attentive conversations, playing music or dancing together - could actually change the structure of my brain. Since reading The Mindful Therapist, I've paid attention to how I feel after socializing with people. And sure enough, people with active mindfulness practices tend to leave me feeling more energized, compassionate, and confident, which supports my personal growth goals. And as it turns out, Siegel has something to say about this.

"Integrative communication in a relationship stimulates the growth of integrative fibers in the brain. You're going to say, That's too weird -- how would a relationship shape the brain and why would it be that simple? Well, what they share in common is energy and information flow. So a relationship can be defined as the sharing of energy and information flow. And when we understand how that energy and information flow is happening -- it could be with words, with the body, with an attitude -- we can feel it, and we feel it with each other. It's not some weird unknown thing. It's fantastic and it's real. Energy is absolutely a part of this world, and energy can be shared between us."-cited in Huffington Post.

According to Siegel, having a mindfulness practice allows us to become more attentive to others. It also allows us to be more open to receiving mindful attention from other people, which we all need. When I look back on the groups of "healthy people" to which I've belonged, sure enough, they are mostly people who do yoga, meditate, or have an active spiritual or self-care routine. And I have witnessed tremendous acts of friendship and personal transformation within these communities. 

I envision a future where we're more aware of this capacity to transform each other at the cellular level. Forgive me if I'm getting a little "woo-woo" here. But it has really stunned me, the extent to which I feel more comfortable in my skin after a group yoga class, or playing music with a friend. And I can think of no better explanation than Dan Siegel's theory of interpersonal neurobiology. Siegel also defines the mind as: "a... process that regulates the flow of energy and information." While new-agey people tend to say we are all connected through Love, I like to borrow Siegel's concept here and think of us being connected through "energy and information" flow. Because in terms of the brain, knowing that you are loved is just a piece of information carried on a wire. And that's exciting to me, because wires can be repaired, and mindful relationship is one way to do that.

Love Hormones: why find out why?

Recently I learned that when we fall in love, certain chemicals are released in the brain. You know that feeling you get when you meet somebody, feel elated when you see them, and think about them for days afterward? That's dopamine pumping up your reward circuits in the brain, making you want more. Oh yeah, and the feeling you get after the first date, then the second date, and the first time you sleep together: that feeling that you can do anything? More brain chemistry. Then after the first few months, when you start to get more interested in cuddling, declare your commitment to the person, and feel love growing in your heart? That's oxytocin, priming you to take the time-tested step of creating a lasting partnership.

This made a big impression on me, and I've wanted to write about, but wasn't sure what to say. It meant a lot to me because in my teens and 20's, I was addicted to love - not in the sense of going to extremes, but definitely in the sense that without the intrigue of a romantic relationship, I felt restless and bored. I now know that I was craving the hormone dopamine, which gave me a boost of concentration and energy whenever I met someone I liked. You see, without a love interest, life was... dull. (Fortunately, I've discovered that mindfulness practice makes my experience of life more shiny and energetic than it ever was, without the aid of romantic supplementation!)

So, yes, that's one angle from which to write about this. But for now, I'm with the question: why does it matter? I find it very interesting how we jump on scientific research about things that we already know intuitively. This applies for mindfulness and yoga, as well as love. We know it makes us happy, so does it really matter why?

The knowledge of how/why love makes us feel the way it does can be used for different purposes. For example, you could use it to make another person fall in love with you. Since we're all operating on a common set of hormones, which are triggered by the same things, it's entirely possible. Likewise, you can use it to manipulate yourself. For example, many articles suggest using this knowledge to "spice up" a long-term relationship with dopamine-enhancing activities, like exciting travel, eroticism, or new sex techniques. In essence, we can make ourselves "fall in love" all over again, with the same partner. This last suggestion, although it sounds good (and it is effective), makes me a little uncomfortable. After all, why is one form of emotional manipulation different from any other? We're still manipulating our hormones, and that seems a little strange to me.

But this is the era we live in. As we come to know more about the brain, we'll continue manipulating our emotional responses with that knowledge. To me, this is both exciting and frightening, since it represents tremendous power for personal growth, but also the temptation to control our experience, becoming even more removed from our raw reactions to life. After all, if you can make yourself fall in love with a good man, you can also make yourself fall in love with an abusive partner, or someone who isn't good for you. There is truth in our raw experience of life, and a time when those instincts should be honored. Similarly, it's possible that knowing too much about love chemistry could simply take the fun out of it! Perhaps the key lies in finding a balance between the two. There is power in self-knowledge, as it helps us make adjustments needed to get the most out of life. But there's also power in mindfully letting life (love) happen, and letting ourselves be part of it, feeling and responding to life (love) as we were born to do.

Bessel van der Kolk is my hero - and yoga is my medicine

For all my therapy geek friends (you know who you are): have you heard of Bessel van der Kolk, a Dutch psychiatrist who's doing research on things like yoga and EMDR? If not, go look him up. You won't be disappointed.

I spend 8 hours on Tuesday with Dr. van der Kolk in a live webcast from Hawaii. The topic was "Trauma, Attachment and Neuroscience." Sounds interesting, huh? Basically, the seminar delved into how trauma  re-wires the brain and the way we relate to the world. It's not so much that trauma leaves an imprint of a certain memory in our minds; rather, it makes us less able to live happily in the present. It does this by changing our brain: everything from the brain stem (breathing, sleeping, eating), to the thalamus (interpretations of the body), amygdala (emotional arousal and motivation), and frontal cortex (thinking). Dr. van der Kolk explained that trauma treatment must ALWAYS address the body, because the lower brain and limbic system are ALWAYS affected. Too often, "Western European" therapies focuses only on the frontal cortex (ahem, "cognitive therapy"), and ignore the body. (Dr. van der Kolk made no effort to conceal his frustration that body therapies are not acknowledged for their mental health benefits.)

Dr. van der Kolk conducts research at the Trauma Center at JRI in Massachusetts. He's gotten good results wth using yoga, EMDR, and other body-based therapies, because these treatments teach people how to self-regulate, and promote integration of the upper and lower brain. He also recommends drama therapy, t'ai chi, drum circles, and anything that involves a rhythmic interaction between people. One of my favorite clips was of a 10-year-old boy who was throwing a ball around with an occupational therapist. His mother arrived, and started chatting about her own problems. The boy threw her the ball; she caught it, threw it back, but COMPLETELY missed the boy. This happened 3 or 4 times; each time she threw the ball to the same place, and each time it missed the boy's waiting arms. Suddenly he yelled, "STOP THROWING IT OVER THERE!" As the OT helped the mother and boy play catch with each other, Dr. van der Kolk explained how being "in tune" with people is one of the most basic joys of life, since we are hardwired for social interaction. This demonstration showed how a simple activity like playing catch could make a family feel cohesive again. Just imagine how doing yoga, dance, or making music together can help you feel more "in sync" with humanity!

Among other things, this seminar powerfully confirmed the effect of yoga on the brain. Since I re-started my daily yoga practice (only 4 weeks ago), I've noticed changes in how I perceive things. The other day I was napping on the couch, and suddenly I felt viscerally connected to the colors and shapes around me; I was transported back to a summer's day when I was very young, and the green grass and the taste of lemonade were fresh and new to my senses. I find it easier to relax, even when I don't feel well. I went to a meeting at my church, and noticed I was able to take in every detail of the conversation effortlessly. The next day, the committee chair asked me to proofread the minutes; I thought, wow, that's never happened! And last but not least, I laugh more. Something about yoga is helping me connect with my environment. I'm just waiting to see how this body-centered, mindfulness practice will continue to transform the way I live, breathe, and think. Do you have a story about how mindfulness practice has changed your life?

"Why do I feel so...?" Your body may have the answer.

I've been trying to think of how to explain what this blog is about, to sort of lay it out for you. As I was writing my last post about PMS and girl-hormones, the phrase "Why do I feel so..." seemed to encapsulate my frustration regarding my cycle. As girls, we are basically told, "So, you're about to have this thing that's going to make you crabby, tired, and possibly in-pain for the next 35 years of your life. You won't be able to do much about it, and you won't really know why, but, er, welcome to womanhood!" In a way, this describes the experience of being human, too.

As a woman, my hormones have affected my life profoundly. But by understanding the different aspects of the cycle, and going with my body's messages, I found relief from what once were "symptoms". Anxiety became creativity; fatigue became deep rest and intuition. No longer a burden, my hormones are now an asset to me. I want to share with other women how I got here, as well as new research that explains what's going on with us, so we can become radiant and empowered in our bodies.

Other aspects of the brain-body connection apply to all, of course. Neurologists are starting to discover mechanisms that actually connect the brain to the body: deep breathing, mindfulness, gut flora, and sexual health are being revealed as superhighways to well-being. The question, "why do I feel so...?", is starting to be answered. Whether you're looking for answers to this question, or just practical ways to enhance your mind-body connection, you'll find some of those answers here (for starters, check the links section)!

Chakras are an interesting topic, too. My training at IYT taught me about the energy body and how to use yoga poses, breath, and visualizations to balance the chakras. Chakras are energy centers along the spine that connect the physical, emotional, and energetic aspects of us. You can think of them as transformers, which transfer energy between thoughts, beliefs, feelings, and physical form. Chakras are a powerful way to create health through any number of means, and once understood, provide another answer to the question, "why do I feel so....?"

The body has a language, and science is starting to corroborate what many of us know intuitively: that the body speaks to the mind, and the mind to the body. With this knowledge, the possibilities for attaining health are set to multiply. For example, most serotonin is stored in the gut, and therefore, deep breathing stimulates the release of serotonin, which makes you feel calm. Women are likely to feel more creative when they have a good sex life, according to Naomi Wolf (2012). These are just some of the ideas that inspire me to improve my my total well-being. I hope you'll join me!

Hormone Cycles: girls' guide to happy and powerful living

So this is a blog about the mind-body connection, about living well in a truly embodied way. If you're a woman, your hormone cycles can be a powerful gateway toward harmony between body and mind. Why? because the 4 phases - menstruation, follicular phase, ovulation, and the luteal phase - all have a distinct effect on how your brain works. And those effects can work for you or against you, depending on how well you know yourself and how willing you are to heed your body's wisdom.

As a woman, I've been waiting for science to clue into women's cyclical wisdom for years. In 2002, I was a junior in college, and had gotten my hands on Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom, a big book by Dr. Christiane Northrup about women's health. Northrup (1998) explained how diet, lifestyle, and beliefs can affect female conditions like PMS, all the way on up to ovarian cancer. A PMS sufferer at the time, I grasped onto the idea that living more in harmony with my hormonal cycles could alleviate my moodiness. And you know what? It worked, like a charm. Since then I have been providing myself time to reflect, meditate, be creative, or whatever-I-feel-like (within reason) during the week before and the week of my period, and have come to experience these times as a resource, rather than a burden to me.

I am completely dumbfounded by the fact that the menstrual cycle (more accurately, and henceforth known as, the "hormone cycle"), continues to be an area of mystery, awkwardness, and taboo. That is, I find it dumb - dim-witted, nonsensical, and illogical - that this part of women's lives should be considered off-limits today. Which is why you never hear this:

"Hi yes Sally, I won't be coming in today, I'm not feeling well."
"Oh, that's too bad. What's wrong?"
"Got cramps, and feeling emotionally sensitive and in need of quiet. You know how it is, Sally!"
"Haha, yes of course dear. We'll see you in 3-4 days."

There's the 2nd-wave feminist approach that menstruation is merely a physical process, so women should gladly use pills and products to keep themselves in the game 24/7. But with science now showing variations in brain morphology and chemistry during the cycle, it's hard to deny that for many women, the menstrual cycle is a bio-psychological-spiritual phenomenon that truly affects their lives.

So it was with delight, but not much surprise, that I finally saw Alisa Vitti's (2011) Ted Talk, "Loving Your Lady Parts as a Path to Success, power & global change", in which she laid out the neurobiology the 4 phases of the hormone cycle. They are:
1) Follicular: with increased access to creative energy, a good time for starting projects;
2) Ovulatory: with hot communication skills;
3) Luteal: with an eye for detail; and
4) Menstrual: with increased connection between left and right brain, the best time for reflection.

I've been feelin' and writing about this for years. I will say that my own mental/emotional cycle doesn't exactly follow Vitti's model; for example, my follicular phase can feel more preparatory than all-out creative. All women have their unique version of this cycle. Vitti's point, with which I agree wholeheartedly, is that following the "blueprint" of your individual cycle can be a path to health, happiness and success. By listening to your body's regularly timed messages, women can discover a treasure trove of creative wisdom, power, and energy. Click next for tips on using the energy of each phase!

The tantra of Christmas

There are plenty of holidays through the year, but for some reason, Christmas seems to be especially full of love, rejuvenation, and wonder. Why? My theory is that Christmas is the only time of year we have permission to fully enjoy ourselves. We get drunk on our senses – the lights, the bright reds and golds, fluffy pastries, decadent chocolates and savory meats beckon us to lose ourselves in the “magic of the season”. But really, isn’t life full of magic all the time? Maybe it’s just that we rarely pause long enough to enjoy it.

While many happy feelings are associated with Christmas, it's notoriously a good time for romance. We can also feel more love for our parents, children, friends, and even strangers at this time. The change is so noticeable that we may wonder, why can’t we be like this all year round? In light of a few things I've learned about neurology, and a desire for  more love in my life, I thought I'd share my thoughts.

So what makes Christmas so romantic? According to neurology, when we first fall in love, our brains release a ton of dopamine. Dopamine is a neurochemical associated with reward: sexual attraction, gambling, drugs, and exercise can all boost dopamine levels. Dopamine is also associated with confidence, motivation, and energy, which explains that "top-of-the-world" feeling of falling in love. It’s evolution's way of encouraging us to find a mate. Oxytocin, which increases later in the relationship, is evolution's way of encouraging us to settle down and raise children. It's also dubbed the “cuddle hormone”, and since there's not much else to do in December, this makes Christmas a great time for bonding, whether you're just getting to know each other or are long-time partners.

Given that Christmas is filled with rewards like shiny presents and good food, and activities like cuddling and relaxing with loved ones, it's possible that we're bathed in dopamine and oxytocin the whole time. In a sort of tantric way, perhaps this is part of the magic of Christmas. No matter what hormone it might be caused by, consciously enjoying pleasure uplifts our energy. And, true to tantra, this may be what makes us more apt to smile at strangers, give to charity, and treat others with more kindness. Maybe this is what makes Christmas "the most wonderful time of the year."

I’ve found that after Christmas, I often feel full of energy and start planning for the coming year. (This year, I brainstormed ways to green my home.) The whole “New Years’ Resolution” thing is an example of the tendency to start new projects when  we're feeling refreshed. But if we fizzle out a few months later, we need to examine if pleasure and connection are enough a part of our lives throughout the year. 

Christmas is a time when we really enjoy ourselves. We almost worship abundance, with more conscious intent than usual. Through giving gifts to others, we feel just as uplifted as by enjoying them ourselves. We create beautiful decorations, music, cards, and parties, and we slow down enough to enjoy them. But what if Christmas came in February? Personally, I’d drape my house in violet and pink cloth, make coconut cake to resemble snow, and invite all my friends over to sing our favorite spiritual songs and trade seed packets. How would you keep the magic alive all year round?

Pointing at the Moon

Since summer 2013, I've been blogging under Dear Americans, a record of my move to Canada from the U.S.. But I've been recording my thoughts about the mind-body connection, embodied spirituality, and living well for 15 years. As a sensual and creative person, who comes from a reserved, intellectual, and accomplishment-focused family, I was driven by a need to reconcile these two parts of myself. In my late 20's, I was busy obtaining a Master's Degree in Counseling, teaching yoga, working fulltime, and dealing with an autoimmune disease that affected my body and mind. Last year, I got married and moved to Canada, and am now on a sort of compulsory vacation. While I'm waiting for my immigration papers, I've done some reading about neuroscience and how the brain is affected by diet, lifestyle, sex, hormones, and mindful practices. While I'm not intending to dispense advice here, I am very excited to see that the connection between the mind and body is finally being understood, and I look forward to sharing both my personal experience, creative writing, and the exciting tidbits I find.

"Pointing at the Moon" comes from a Buddhist tale about a man who asked a nun to read a sacred text to him. The nun questioned the man's ability to understand its meaning, since he was, after all, illiterate. He replied, "the words are like a finger pointing at the moon. But the finger is not the moon. To look at the moon, it is necessary to gaze beyond the finger." I like this idea of spirituality as being intuitive, something best experienced first hand with our senses. I also like its reference to the Moon, because the moon is a symbol of feminity, and female cycles have been important to my spiritual and creative growth. According to ancient traditions, the feminine force is the material world, including nature's beauty and cycles, sexual power, and the body, in all its beauty and limitation. While Western Judeo-Christian culture tends to overlook the sacredness of the physical world, many of us are turning back to the body's wisdom and finding peace in nature. We are coming to believe that revering the body and nature, and taking solace therein, may be the key to restoring balance to our greed-driven society.

Coming into alignment with the body's wisdom, the power of gratitude, the rhythms of nature... these are powerful tools. Not just because of how they might help us in our individual search for health and happiness, but because through that search, we seem to become more generous, balanced, and thoughtful, and more part of a harmonious whole. Through the abundance of peace and soothing we can find within, we can feel less and less of a need to find it through consumerism, ambition, or aggression, as is the cultural norm.

This is not to say that Christianity, intellectualism, or straight-up Zen meditation are not good ways to find balance. My blog focuses on physical and emotional techniques, mostly because they're part of my own journey, but also because I believe there is a vacuum of information out there. While it has improved dramatically since the 1960's, sexual and emotional health still carry stigma and are kept under unnecessary wraps of secrecy and taboo. Much of this is for sheer lack of knowledge. Pointing at the Moon is one more voice to remove the secrecy, one voice in the movement towards a happy, whole expression of being human, warts and all.