The Yoga of Psychological Limits

I’ve been thinking about limits lately. When we stretch in yoga, we feel our physical limits. When we attempt to grow and change our brains, we feel our psychological limits, and this can feel frustrating, but also inspiring. And finally, when we interact with others, we must decide how to approach their limits, as well as our own.

Limits in interpersonal relationships often take the form of boundaries, such as one’s boundaries around being touched, or flirted with, or topics that they wish not to discuss. Some people who have been abused may have triggers around things like sudden gestures or loud words, and these become boundaries when we ask others not to do those things near us. We all know it is polite to honor other people’s boundaries. Yet some of us, particularly those with an awareness of the potential for growth (and perhaps, a need to see this growth in others), find it difficult to refrain from challenging and testing others’ limits.
The purpose of a relationship (be it romantic, therapeutic, or friendship) is twofold: to support, and to challenge. Some people outright ask for challenge; they say, “if you see me doing such and such, I want you to TELL ME and I’ll fix it.” But there are others who ask for support by not being challenged; in other words, by respecting their limits. This can come by way of their avoidance of challenging topics, preference for light-hearted conversations, or cringing or even snapping back in response to challenge. Though it would be easy to tell ourselves that this person has “issues”, especially if we feel rejected by their response, we can also choose to cultivate respect around their limits. We never know what kind of pain this brings up for them. And while it is true that diving into pain can bring healing, it is also true that overwhelming ourselves with pain can cause our minds to ricochet back into self-protection, which is not an easy stance from which to grow.
When we honor our own limits in yoga, we give our muscles the chance to experience the delicate tension between shortening and lengthening. Eventually they will decide which way they want to go that day. It’s that simple; we have not much control over it. But eventually we hope our muscles will open, and usually they do. It’s the same with honoring the boundaries and limits of those we care about. Deep down, perhaps several layers down, everyone has a need to grow and expand. By honoring their limits, we give them the opportunity to choose when growth is right for them, just the way we do for our muscles in yoga. In this way we trust the part of them that seeks growth and expansion, whether or not we are fully ready to believe it is there. We are also willing to trust that person’s wisdom about what just isn’t right for them. Focusing on our own growth is, of course, helpful in this regard. Through honoring limits in yoga and life, we have an opportunity to develop compassion for others’ struggles, and our own.