Recently I learned that when we fall in love, certain chemicals are released in the brain. You know that feeling you get when you meet somebody, feel elated when you see them, and think about them for days afterward? That's dopamine pumping up your reward circuits in the brain, making you want more. Oh yeah, and the feeling you get after the first date, then the second date, and the first time you sleep together: that feeling that you can do anything? More brain chemistry. Then after the first few months, when you start to get more interested in cuddling, declare your commitment to the person, and feel love growing in your heart? That's oxytocin, priming you to take the time-tested step of creating a lasting partnership.
This made a big impression on me, and I've wanted to write about, but wasn't sure what to say. It meant a lot to me because in my teens and 20's, I was addicted to love - not in the sense of going to extremes, but definitely in the sense that without the intrigue of a romantic relationship, I felt restless and bored. I now know that I was craving the hormone dopamine, which gave me a boost of concentration and energy whenever I met someone I liked. You see, without a love interest, life was... dull. (Fortunately, I've discovered that mindfulness practice makes my experience of life more shiny and energetic than it ever was, without the aid of romantic supplementation!)
So, yes, that's one angle from which to write about this. But for now, I'm with the question: why does it matter? I find it very interesting how we jump on scientific research about things that we already know intuitively. This applies for mindfulness and yoga, as well as love. We know it makes us happy, so does it really matter why?
The knowledge of how/why love makes us feel the way it does can be used for different purposes. For example, you could use it to make another person fall in love with you. Since we're all operating on a common set of hormones, which are triggered by the same things, it's entirely possible. Likewise, you can use it to manipulate yourself. For example, many articles suggest using this knowledge to "spice up" a long-term relationship with dopamine-enhancing activities, like exciting travel, eroticism, or new sex techniques. In essence, we can make ourselves "fall in love" all over again, with the same partner. This last suggestion, although it sounds good (and it is effective), makes me a little uncomfortable. After all, why is one form of emotional manipulation different from any other? We're still manipulating our hormones, and that seems a little strange to me.
But this is the era we live in. As we come to know more about the brain, we'll continue manipulating our emotional responses with that knowledge. To me, this is both exciting and frightening, since it represents tremendous power for personal growth, but also the temptation to control our experience, becoming even more removed from our raw reactions to life. After all, if you can make yourself fall in love with a good man, you can also make yourself fall in love with an abusive partner, or someone who isn't good for you. There is truth in our raw experience of life, and a time when those instincts should be honored. Similarly, it's possible that knowing too much about love chemistry could simply take the fun out of it! Perhaps the key lies in finding a balance between the two. There is power in self-knowledge, as it helps us make adjustments needed to get the most out of life. But there's also power in mindfully letting life (love) happen, and letting ourselves be part of it, feeling and responding to life (love) as we were born to do.
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